I suppose it is time to give you a little more of the story of the lessons of my first love and loss and how my life shaped itself into adulthood. The first chapters of this story are found here. A few of you have asked me if I ever thought of finding Christopher. Well, I've done much better than that. I not only thought about finding him, I did.
I knew from the time I'd given him up that I would find him again. I felt it at my core, that place in your inner being that holds the truth. (Everybody's got one of those, right?) I would think of him daily, wonder how he was doing, what he was up to, how his childhood was going. I even went to a psychic once to see what she saw. When I asked about him, she broke out into a huge grin and said he was doing GREAT, having a wonderful childhood and that yes, she could see we'd meet again. Weird, but still. Now, I had the good sense (imagine that) to wait until he was in college, but I did find out from a private investigator the names of his adoptive parents and a few other details that lead to an email address that led to correspondence that led to a three hour lunch to introduce ourselves, and several others since.
That first lunch, I tried to give him his story, the basics of our family and also try not to appear too much like a lunatic. I got to the restaurant first. I sat at a table for a while, facing the door. He was about twenty minutes late, during which time I stayed put and tried not to panic. When I saw him walk in, I stood from my chair. I had to resist the urge to throw myself into his arms and cling for dear life, and hold his face and smell his hair and and get all that mothering I'd missed in one fell swoop. With that in mind, know that I held myself pretty much together discreetly, as we were two adult strangers meeting for the first time, after all. Of course, there was crying (mostly mine) and laughing (both of us) and much lingering and oh yessing. I remember doing a mental critique of my 'performance' almost in real time. Oh, hell, did I just use the f-word? I hope he doesn't think I'm too whatever... He let me hug him for a time when we parted. I don't think I cried on his jacket very much. I sat in my car and sobbed into the steering wheel for maybe fifteen minutes afterward. Then I called my mother, who was waiting desperately by the phone for a report. Here is the low down:
My son Christopher is fine, he's had a great life as the well-loved son of a prominent family, and his name is no longer Christopher. He had a privileged childhood and a top notch education, he's practicing law at a prestigious firm. He's a perfectly lovely young man, recently married to a perfectly lovely young woman. I am proud of him, and proud to know him. I guess it brings things full circle. Although I feel like I did what I had to do in a difficult situation, I still have huge sadness about not seeing him grow up; Max has brought that whole Mom paradigm into sharp focus in my heart and in my life. I know I signed the papers and gave him to his adoptive parents to raise, but there is still a connection to the child, gone forever, whom I brought into the world, the bundle the nun took from my arms and who disappeared into a life I could have never given him.
I haven't had as much contact with him as I'd like (I mean, I'd put a stocking up for him here for Christmas if he would let me, and cook weekly dinner if I could.) But. He said that he feels like his relationship with his adoptive mother might suffer if she knew I'd shown up in the picture. He hasn't told her of our meetings, he said he told his dad and his sister, who is also adopted. He says his mother is a little skittish and perhaps a bit unstable about it all. Of course, this just may be the vibe between a young man and a mom who has put reins on his dreams from time to time to help make sure he doesn't make bigger mistakes than he can handle. I respect his life and his family enough to keep my part of the bargain and keep my distance, but I think he knows I am here if and when he is ready for more. If I've learned anything from this life I've bumbled and stumbled and made my way through, it is this: a person only has a few real chances at love and acceptance and friendship in life. Don't turn your back on this when offered, and you'll know it when it is. My plan is to stay here in the wings, and to wait for the day when all things come together and Christopher can make his way to me. I realize that day may never come, but something in my core keeps saying it will.
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