I'm So There.

You know those clever new State Farm commercials -- the twist on the old 'State Farm is there' tag? No? Well, I guess I am the only TV commercial junkie in captivity... I've noticed them and really appreciate them in a "damn, wish I'd have thought of that - I could write those," kind of way. So much so that I am tempted to think that maybe I am living in one of those spots right now. I am certainly there... by which I mean, at the intersection of "I've never been so old" and "I gotta get out there in the market and compete again."

You see, yesterday, my job went away. The tiny little agency has been struggling, after the loss of a huge client and the relocation of key staff. I've been doing all sort of non-writing/producing tasks, from phone answering to assorted errands to demonstrate my willingness and indispensability to the firm. But days had become 50% doing make-work and 50% Internet surfing. I knew funds were dwindling, and the work was not picking up at any appreciable pace. So yesterday, when my boss appeared at my desk and told me he couldn't afford me any longer, I wasn't exactly surprised. And yes, I do look forward to the per-project collaborations he's promised, I also won't be surprised if that doesn't happen.

Now I am left with nothing but options. This is the part I hate the most. I feel like a crazy duck -- on the surface, I want to try to remain calm and not panic and meditate, concentrate and be still to attract the next thing I'm SUPPOSED to do, while under the surface, I am paddling like hell to try to keep afloat. Do I substitute teach at Max's school while trawling for free lance projects? Do I try to get a marketing director gig? Start up a hip little column and edit a local newspaper? Do I chunk it all and design jewelry? Organize a takeover of the known world? Damn, there are just too many options. And I am sure that the witty little note I plan to include in the bill in lieu of the next Visa payment about taking a break to figure out which option I should exercise is going to go over really well.

I didn't sleep last night, after staying up too late watching the Olympics -- got that too tired to go to sleep conundrum going -- that and the phantom traveling itch. Jeez. What a mess. I wish I could report a spiritual renewal, a gathering of momentum, and small glimmer of What's Next For Me. Instead, I want nothing more than to schlump in my pajamas, watch the Hallmark channel through the blanket over my head and blubber all over the remote. I did stop for a moment to worry about the effect of salt water on electronic components and triple-A batteries. Oh yeah. I'm so there.