Portrait of a Mad Woman On Hold With ISP

Well, the Internets and the email at work are on the fritz. After widespread panic and running about, I’ve restarted the router to no avail, called the agency down the road who has the same provider we do, and then after a couple of failed attempts and wrong numbers, called the ISP. I am currently languishing on hold, in limbo listening to a musical selection prominently featuring a recorder. I assume this is supposed to keep the natives from getting restless, and it would have worked if I only had to listen to it a few (even a few dozen) times. But no. I am in a phone queue of several days apparently, stuck listening to this thing. Every note and nuance of the piece is now burned into my brain as if I’d written it. And I’m now getting pissed because they’ve used my Magnum Opus for on-hold music without my permission. What if I’d wanted to base my new Broadway musical on that little ditty, complete with all the 18th-century powdered wig line dances I’ve choreographed very recently? Now, they’ve gone and blown it, putting the ever-so-stuck-in-my-head song on hold. They sure as hell have ruined it for me. My boss passes my desk and comments on the lovely classical music I'm listening to. I glare at him, while simultaneously mentally fitting him for a powdered wig and buckled shoes. You listen to the music, you dance!

So I hang up the phone, recorder tune still ringing in my ears, and call the real person named Winnie who so kindly gave me the number to call in the first place. She apparently is a very important person in the company, and she reacts suitably shocked when I tell her I’ve been on hold since last we spoke. She attempts to fluff my feathers, and assures me that she will be calling David Lynch (loved his Blue Velvet…) who is in charge of executive acceleration. Executive Acceleration - am I paranoid, or does that sound like something she pulled out of thin air to placate the crazy lady? She assures me we will get this issue resolved post haste. Yeah right. Whatever. Just stop using my hit recorder tune on hold.